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Clutching my souveneir bag tightly in my hand, I headed down Tottenham Court Road in London. It was raining lightly. I'd just been at the Queen musical "We Will Rock You" for the second time. It had been phenomenal, as it always was, according to the fans who were lucky enough to frequent the spectacle. I'd bought every promo item they had in the stands, as I had the last time. Queen were getting way too much of my money. But, as the best band in the history of ever, I felt they more than deserved it. Bouncing down the road to the tune of "Radio GaGa" playing in my head, I was slightly shocked when I heard dull thumping instead of hand claps. Glancing directly to my right, I saw a man in a dark blue Mini Cooper slamming his hands on the steering wheel in frustration. He cursed violently. Grabbing the keys, he tried to start the car but the engine wouldn't turn over. Growling, he flung his head back against the headrest. I saw that the man was none other than Eddie Izzard, and, man, was he pissed off.
I contemplated what I should do for a second, then sucked up my nerves and rapped softly on the window of his car. He glanced at me angrily, and looked slightly surprised when I offered him a warm smile. He wound down the window.
"Yes?"
"Car trouble," I asked.
"No, actually, I've got a hand cramp and can't manage to turn the keys. Yes, I'm having car trouble." He gave me a slightly annoyed look.
"Hey, look man, I'm just trying to help. I studied a bit of mechanics so I might be able to help. You in a hurry?"
"As a matter of fact, I've got to be at a gig in fifteen minutes to get my makeup on. I can be a bit late, but I've really got to be there soon."
He was starting to cool off a bit, so I offered, "Well, pop the bonnet and I'll see if I can tell what the problem is." He reached down and pulled the hood release, then got out of the car. I found the hood latch and lifted the hood up, and propped it on the stand. I looked around a bit and quickly realised what the problem was. "Well, mate... I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that your car has nothing wrong with it, as far as I can see. The bad news is that apparently someone has stolen your battery."
"Shit. Well, thanks. I'd better catch a cab then." I closed the hood and put my hand on his.
"Hang about. Look, it's late and who knows how long it'll take for a cab to stop. I'm parked just around the corner. I could give you a lift if you want."
"Sure."
"It's a motorbike, hope you don't mind."
"No, it's fine. Let's just go." We jogged around the corner until I spotted my rented motorcycle and hopped on. Reaching in the saddlebag, I yanked out a helmet and tossed it to Eddie as he climbed on behind me, pulling on the helmet. Then I stuffed my plastic bags into the saddlebag and snapped it closed.
"Alright, where are we going," I asked, firing up the ignition.
"Just go up the road and turn left at the traffic light. I'll tell you from there." Nodding, I steered the bike out from the curb and sped down the road. Occasionally, Eddie shouted directions in my ear. I followed them, driving as fast as I could, but safely. Didn't want to kill the man. We got to the theatre with five minutes to spare. Jumping off the bike, Eddie tossed me his helmet.
"Listen, I'm sorry I was so rude before. I was just stressed, you understand."
"Sure, mate. It's no problem. By the way, I'm Jesse." I held out a hand, and he shook it.
"Eddie."
"I know. Hey, listen: have a great gig! Will you need a ride back to your car later? I could pick you up." He smiled. "I'll have none of that. Why don't you come see the gig? I'll have Mark save you a seat, front row centre. Gig starts at 11. You in?" I looked at my watch. It was 10.25.
"Sure! That'd be great."
"Good. Then afterwards I can thank you properly with a drink." I smiled, trying unsuccessfully to hide my excitement at the proposal.
"Sure. I'll be here."
"Just come to the backstage door. Mark'll show you to your seat. Then I'll be at the same door afterwards, signing autographs and stuff. Meet me there."
"Okay. See you later." He headed inside, and I hopped on the bike to park it properly.
Close to 11, I parked the bike in a stall near the back door to the theatre and headed to the backstage door. Glancing around, I knocked hard on the steel door. After a few seconds, a man answered the door.
"Mark," I asked. He nodded. "I'm Jesse. Eddie said you'd show me to a seat?"
"Oh, right. Come with me." Mark led me through the backstage area into the theatre, and showed me a seat front row centre, just as Eddie had promised.
"Thanks," I said.
"No trouble at all. Eddie told me about what happened. Said you were very kind to him, even though he was a bit harsh with you. He's a good guy, you know."
"I know." With that, Mark disappeared backstage and I took a seat.
Eddie came onstage to a rousing round of applause from a packed house. He glanced around and spotted me, giving me a wide grin. It was obvious from his bouncing around onstage that he was in a much better mood. He managed several minutes' material off the stolen battery, but in his version he was kidnapped by a violent motorcycle gang wearing bandanas and leather jackets, and conveniently dumped just outside the theatre after being beaten mercilessly with cricket bats. And that was why he was wearing so much makeup.
After a phenomenal two- hour gig, Eddie wandered offstage and the audience filed out the doors. Some of them left, but most of them found their way to the back doors to wait for Eddie. I trotted off to my motorbike to grab the single white rose I'd placed in the saddlebag for Eddie. Returning to the backstage door, I spotted Eddie smiling at the large crowd, signing autographs, and gladly letting them take pictures, give him kisses, and nearly anything else they wanted. He kept glancing around for me. I purposely stayed hidden so as not to interrupt the interaction with the crowd. After the crowd had dwindled a bit and I could no longer hide, I let him see me, but hung back. After everyone had left, I approached him and handed him the rose.
"Fantastic gig, Eddie."
"Thanks very much," he said, smelling the rose. "Did you like how I turned you into a full- on gang?"
"Brilliant!" He grinned widely, handing the rose to Mark to put in his dressing room.
"Well, shall we?" He rested his hand on the small of my back and led me over to my bike. We got on, and again I handed Eddie the helmet and fired up the bike. He snuck his hands under my leather jacket and gripped my waist tightly. I shivered at the touch. He told me where to go, and we ended up at a small, intimate pub close to the theatre.
After going in, he ordered us each a Margarita and we lounged on some leather couches to chat.
"So... What made you decide to help me out?"
"I think you should try and make at least one person happy every day. Today was your lucky day," I answered simply. He smiled, blue eyes glinting in the dim light.
"Well, it certainly worked. Thanks so much."
"You gonna be able to get your car fixed?"
"Oh, that won't be a problem. I can get the battery replaced tomorrow. No troubles. So... onto bigger and bolder things. Are you single?"
"Unfortunately not. I'm married to a Brazilian pig farmer. We currently live in a slum in Beruit with out seventeen children and eight hundred hogs." Eddie cocked an eyebrow at me.
"Mmmmmmkay.That's one hell of an excuse to turn down a date."
"Were you asking me on one? Anyway, Pedro and I aren't exclusive. It's really like he doesn't even exist. And, in fact, he doesn't." Eddie giggled. "You know... That wasn't funny. Don't humour me."
"I'm not. I thought it was funny. Much more creative than my story about how I'm from Mars but am married to a Venutian." "Well... You must inspire something in me. I guess my humour glands are in overdrive. But no, I'm not seeing anybody." "So, I'm not keeping you from anything am I?"
"Other than early morning agreement telly? No. I'm just on holiday. No prior engagements, no future engagements. Unless I meet a guy named Pedro, maybe." Eddie let out a loud chuckle at this one.
"Hello, I'm Pedro. It's nice to meet you." Eddie offered his hand for me to shake. Giggling, I took it.
"Well, Pedro. Have you got any pigs?"
"No, but I've got a lovely slum a few miles away."
"Groovy!" I let out a yawn.
"Am I boring you?"
"No," I assured him. "It's just two in the morning, and I'm a bit knackered."
"I think it's cute when an American says 'knackered'"
"I think it's cute when a Brit says anything. And I think you're cute."
"Awwwww, shucks, maw," he replied in a horrendous Southern accent. "D'ya want to leave, then?"
"Well, I'd really like to spend more time with you. But if you're tired I should probably take you home."
"How about we come to some sort of compromise. You take me home, and we'll sleep together. That way I'm home and you're sleeping," he purred.
"Sleeping? Is that like a cup of coffee?"
He raised an eyebrow seductively. "Maybe."
"I'm game." Eddie paid the bartender for the drinks and we left the bar.
A few minutes after leaving the pub we ended up at Eddie's gorgeous house. It was far from a slum. I fixed the kickstand up on my bike and stepped off. Eddie trotted up to the front door. I hung back.
"Coming?"
"Um..." Suddenly I was nervous. What were his intentions? Would this be a one- night stand? A long relationship? Where was this going? Eddie walked over to me and took my hands gently.
"Hey, look. Don't be scared of me. We can do as much or as little as you want. Or, you can just go back to your hotel. But I'd really like you to stay. At least come in for some coffee. Or a banana."
"God, everything you say sounds dirty!" He grinned.
"It's all in your mind, love. How about some yoghurt? No, that's bad, too. Emmm... How about--" I cut him off with a quick kiss.
"Oh, shut up. I'm coming in." Eddie pushed open the door for me and followed me in.
"Goodie! Tomorrow I can tell my audience that the motorcycle gang broke into my house and stole my biscuits." I swatted him on the arse.
"Don't worry," I quipped, "it happens to a lot of guys."
"Bastard." He shoved me gently toward the stairs.
We had a silly night. It was the most fun I'd ever had in a long while, for more reasons than one. Maybe it was because Eddie knew I was nervous and wanted to ligten the mood. I never would have thought something as serious as I'd considered sex to be, could be so light and fun. But Eddie was just full of surprises and we had a fantastic time and slept well.
The next day, I took Eddie to his car to get it towed, and then he had to leave for some meetings and such. The last week I was in London was to be busy for him. But he had taken my mobile phone number and given me his, and made me promise to call. On my last day there, I phoned him up to tell him I was to leave that night.
"I'm not doing anything," he said. "I could help you pack and drive you to the airport if you'd like." I told him that would be great and gave him the address of the hotel I was staying at. Half an hour later, he knocked on my door. I opened it up and he greeted me with a kiss.
"That was a nice welcome," I said. "Come on in." Eddie bounced in (obviously in a good mood) and flopped down on my bed. I grabbed a pair of jeans, rolled them up, and stuck them into my suitcase.
"Are you an army brat," Eddie asked.
"No, why?"
"You're rolling your clothes. Usually military people do that.'
"Oh... No, I just travel a lot and I've found it saves space." Eddie nodded and began rolling some shirts to stick into the bag. "So, what time do you have to leave?"
"My flight's at ten, so I should be there at eight, which means leaving at seven." Eddie nodded.
"Well, it's three now. After you've finished packing, you want to go for a drink?" I shrugged.
"Maybe we could, ya know, stay here. Have a hot dog." He grinned.
"We could do that."
A little while later, after I'd zipped up my suitcase, Eddie laid back on the bed and closed his eyes. Smirking, I climbed on top of him and began slowly unbuttoning his shirt.
"Cheeky monkey." Ed arched his back like a cat as I stroked his hairless, freckled chest. I kissed his temples and soft pink lips. Eddie unbuttoned and removed my shirt. Pulling me up above his head, he licked my stomach with a rough cat's tongue. He flipped me onto my back and took me into another world.
A few hours later, we arrived at Gatwick airport in Eddie's newly- repaired Mini. He walked me in to pick up my ticket and check my bags.Taking as long as possible, we made our way to the security check, hand in hand.
"Looks like this is the end of the line," Eddie said dejectedly. I nodded, fighting a tear. "Lemme get you home number and address." I dictated the numbers to him, as well as my email address, and he entered them into his Palm Pilot. "Keep in touch, mate"
"I will." With that, Eddie gave me a long, sweet kiss, and headed back out of the airport, looking back at me. I waved and he gave me a quick salute.
Eddie had kept in touch via email. I could expect an email every day without fail. Two weeks after I got home, I received a delivery. Answering the door, I saw a beautiful boquet of red roses with a short note attached. I plucked the note off the flowers. The note read,
"To the girl who's given new meaning to my life. Come see me for some yoghurt any time."
I heard a familiar voice read the last line of the note aloud: "I love you." The flowers were lowered, and standing there was Eddie, my pig farmer in shining armour.