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Trevor Ranes’ phone was ringing. He picked it up, “Trevor here”.
“Trev, it’s Eddie.”
“Hello, what are you doing up so early?” Eddie’s hours were almost vampiric, because he worked nights, except when he was doing a film, which he wasn’t, right now.
“I just got a call to the house Trev. She fucking called my HOUSE!” Eddie was clearly upset, his usually quiet voice pounded through the phone with a note of hysteria.
“Whoa Eddie, slow down. You think it’s the same woman
that’s sending you letters and presents here?”
“It’s got to be her Trev, it has to be. There can’t be two madwomen chasing me, I can barely handle one, there just can’t be two.”
“What’d she say?” Trevor asked.
“Thank God I didn’t talk to her, Alex was here, he answered.” Alex was the cleaning woman’s 10 year old son. Eddie chuckled, “Poor sod, she thought he was me and talked three quarters of an hour before he could convince her he wasn’t, and she rang off.” Then he got serious again, “I want a tap on the phone Trev, I want something done this time.”
“Right then, I’ll ring the police as soon as we hang up.” He hesitated. “It’s going to get in the papers you know.”
“I don’t care Trev, I don’t care this time. I’ve got to get a new number now, and my mobile phone, and my fax and God knows what else. Do what you have to do.”
“I’m on it Eddie, take it easy now, try to relax a bit.”
Eddie sighed, “Yeah, yeah, right. I’m off to New York soon with a mad woman after me and I’m supposed to relax.”
“I told you Ed, we’re going to hire you a bodyguard, who comes highly recommended, and you’ll be fine.”
“That’ll go over well with the fans.” Pause. “But I guess we have to.” Another pause. “Right, I’ll catch you later.”
“Take care Eddie, I’ll ring you later.”
Trevor heard a click as Eddie hung up. He was hesitant to call the police right away, he didn’t want the publicity. He hung up the phone and sat back in his leather chair and looked around his office as he thought a minute. Pictures of himself and celebrities adorned the walls, a few awards, and pictures of his wife on his desk. Typical entertainment manager’s office he supposed.
Eddie Izzard was his biggest client at the moment, he’d never had a comedian win two American Emmy awards before. Eddie was a walking paradox. A short man with a large head, broad shoulders, wide torso, small waist and girlish legs, his physique was even contradictory. He was a man who liked woman, but liked to dress like them too. He wore makeup, and played football. Not at the same time, of course. He was quiet, and gentle, but could cause a hell of a row if he didn’t get a part he wanted, or his designer outfit wasn’t ready on time. He could appear in magazines wearing women’s lingerie and grabbing at his crotch, but in interviews claimed he was boring. His hair changed color more often than Madonna’s. And the man was blessed with the biggest comedic talent since John Cleese.
And he was planning another American tour.
And there was a woman threatening his life.
It had started with a package coming in the post, to the management office. All packages went through an x-ray machine in the mailroom before they were delivered, so there had never been a concern about this one. Eddie got a lot of presents and letters, almost all from women. He got everything from silk shirts, make-up kits and gold jewelry to stuffed Scooby Doo dogs, jars of jam, and packets of Jammie Dodgers. He never saw most of it, it went to charity. If there was something special that came along, Trevor would keep it in his office to show it to Eddie, if he was around, a painting, for instance, or a needlepoint picture of him, something that showed a particular effort. Once in a while Eddie would sign a letter off to that person. He got wedding invitations, party invitations, invitations to perform at schools, clubs, local theaters, it was overwhelming.
But
this package, from “Danielle”, contained nothing more than a silk scarf, with
a note that said “I love you, Danielle”. The scarf had been sprayed with perfume,
it was white and black, a zebra print. It went in the charity pile, Eddie never
saw it.
The next week another package had come, a black silk shirt from Gautier. The note said “To match the scarf, I love you, Danielle.” There was no return address, it was postmarked San Francisco, California.
The next week a letter came with a San Francisco postmark, and one of the secretaries opened it. There was a photo of Eddie that had been taken backstage at his show the last time he was in LA, written on the back was, “I was this close to you once, and will be again, I love you, Danielle.” The secretary thought this seemed eerie, and brought it to Trevor. That’s the first he’d heard of this woman. He’d asked if anything else ever came from her, and the secretary told him about the silk shirt and scarf. “They were nice” she’d said, “almost kept ‘em myself”.
Once a week they received something from Danielle- clothing, jewelry, Godiva chocolates, and letters, all signed “I love you”. The letters ranged from short notes to lengthy epistles of love, and explanations of how right she and Eddie were for each other. Trevor started to save everything she sent and keep it in the safe in his office. He never mentioned anything to Eddie, didn’t want to upset the creative process.
About a month ago the letters started getting angry. “Why haven’t you worn anything I’ve sent? Do you know how much I’ve spent on you?” “Why haven’t you called.” And when news about Eddie’s relationship with Sarah broke the letters turned ugly. “You know this is a lie. She is wrong for you. You and I should be together.”
Trevor had to tell Eddie, he began to be afraid. Eddie didn’t take the news well. He was obsessively private about his life and didn’t want Sarah being involved. Trevor was pretty sure that Eddie was afraid any kind of threat like this and Sarah would take off again. Eddie was very over-protective about his tenuous relationship with Sarah.
Trevor had made some discreet inquiries through a private detective agency in the states to try and find this woman. But there were never any return addresses on anything she sent other than San Francisco, CA. They fingerprinted the letters, and her fingerprints were not on file anywhere. Postal tracing brought back nothing. The investigation had gone on about a month, and nothing had come back. Trevor had let the detective go. It was expensive, and it wasn’t working. Eddie’s tours might be sponsored, but his private life wasn’t.
And now this woman had gotten Eddie’s home number. Trevor scratched his head. How the HELL could this have happened. That number was more guarded than the Queen. Only five people had that number - he did, Sarah, John the tour manager, Eddie’s dad and his brother. That was it. Everyone else called him on his mobile phone. Actually everyone called him on his mobile, the home phone was mostly for Eddie to call out on, or fax, or in case of emergency. Eddie didn’t really like to be on the phone. He’d had a second line installed so he could use the internet, but that was the extent of his phone communication most of the time.
Trevor had a client upset. He had to fix things, this was his job. He sighed, and looked up the number for Scotland Yard.
The Inspector from Scotland Yard had been very gracious and helpful. Inspector Thomas had taken all the information, and all the letters Trevor had saved. He was going to get in touch with the SFPD, and they would check the computers for women with a pattern of stalking celebrities. He would also put a tap on Eddie’s phone. He’d wanted to meet with Eddie, but Trevor wanted to keep him out of it unless absolutely necessary. Before Inspector Thomas left, Trevor had asked him to please keep this quiet, and the Inspector had agreed. They shook hands. Trevor knew that the press would get it. They bribed the underpaid secretaries at the Yard to call them when a celebrity got into trouble. He fully expected the papers to have the headline Izzard in Fear for His Life, tomorrow. He called Eddie to let him know what was going on.
“Hello.” Guarded tone.
“It’s Trevor.”
“Hello Trev.” Relaxed voice. “What’s going on?”
“The Yard’s on it , Eddie. They’re going to contact the San Francisco police and check their computer data bases for stalkers. I asked him to keep it quiet, but you know how that goes. So be prepared. I’ll try and handle things from here best I can.”
“Right, thanks Trev. I’m off to my dad’s, then get some shopping done before the tour – getting fitted for a new suit, too.”
He seemed his usual self. “Ok Eddie, keep in touch now. You need anyone to help you pack? You have all your tickets and everything?”
“John’s brought me the tickets yesterday, before he left for New York, I’m all set.”
“I’ll speak to you before you go, call me if you need anything. Say hi to your dad and step-mom for me. Oh and don’t work out too much, if you go to the gym!” Last year Eddie’d strained his neck lifting weights and it bothered him through the whole tour, they’d had to put on a masseuse, which ate up some of the profits.
Eddie laughed. “OK then, take care, talk to you later.” He hung up.
Inspector Thomas had promised he’d call within 48 hours, so Trevor put his mind to other tasks for the rest of the day. The bodyguard was coming for an interview tomorrow, so he felt confident the problem was under control.
Then Shannon, his secretary came in, her face was
pale, she was shaking. “What’s th
e
matter Shannon?” Trevor asked. “T-t-there’s a p-p-package in the mailroom, Trev.
They’re h-h-h-olding it there until the police come.” Trevor stood up. His fingers
gripped the side of his desk until his knuckles were white.
“What’s in it?” He asked quietly.
Shannon started to answer but burst into tears instead. “Just go see, please!” she cried. Trevor came round from his desk, and put his arms around the girl to comfort her. “Shannon why don’t you take the rest of the day off, you’ve had enough today, yeah?” She nodded her head and went back to her desk to be surrounded and comforted by the other secretaries.
Trevor walked quickly down the hall into the mailroom. He didn’t want to run, didn’t want to cause a panic. The mailroom manager Jesse was standing there staring down at a box. Trevor walked over, put his hand on Jesse’s shoulder and looked into the box, and then looked quickly away. When he was sure he wouldn’t vomit, he looked back at the box again. It seemed to be hair. It seemed to be hair, still attached to the skin it was growing from. It was blond hair with black roots. It was pink skin. There was a note in the box, “I want your scalp as my trophy. I love, you, Danielle.”
Jesse was trying to speak. “The x-ray looked funny, so I opened the package. And I almost puked. God what a horrible smell!”
It smelled like formaldehyde, Trevor remembered the smell from his Biology lab, years ago in uni.
“Alright Jesse, lets stand over here, away from that thing until the police come.” He dialed Inspector Thomas’ pager number on his mobile. Then he dialed Eddie’s mobile number as well. Eddie answered, he was in the car, on his way to Bexhill, he was fine. Trevor saw no reason to let him in on this latest development, so he made an excuse about telling Eddie to remember to pack his Palm Pilot with all his phone numbers in it, and rang off.
London’s finest arrived in about 15 minutes, and Inspector Thomas on their heels. “I heard the call come in on the radio and then you paged me, so I thought I best get over here.” He was a tall man, beefy, dark hair, dark mustache, with long lines down his face, as if he’d been frowning his whole life.
The Inspector and the rest of the officers took the package, it’s contents, and Jesse down to the station to get some details. Trevor made sure they had his home number, and after they left, he packed up for the day and went home. He’d had enough.
London traffic was horrible, as usual. He arrived home an hour after he’d left, a trip that should normally take 20 minutes. He walked in the door and headed straight for the refrigerator, and the cold beer inside. He was cracking one open when his wife appeared in the kitchen. “Hi hon, bad day?” He must have looked a wreck. He was a tall, slender man, always slightly hunched over. Now he must have been more hunched than usual. How a man like himself got a woman as beautiful as Sam was a constant puzzlement to him. He had always been wary of women, figuring they were chatting him up so they could meet famous people, and then go out with them. But Sam was a published writer, already famous in her own right, and didn’t need to step on heads to get what she wanted. And luckily, she had wanted him.
“’S’alright sweetie, just more stalking nonsense.” He tried to brush it off, as he gave her a big hug and a kiss. She nuzzled his neck. “How’s Eddie taking it?” she asked.
“He doesn’t know half of it, I don’t want to make this the Paranoia Tour 2001, if you know what I mean.” Sam laughed. Eddie had been a guest at their house many a time, and she knew anything that invaded his privacy worried him greatly. She had secret pictures of him passed out from many pints, on their sofa, makeup smudged all over his face. He was always trying to get them away from her. She of course had no intention of showing them to anyone, they were her and Trevor’s own private giggle.
“How about a curry and a movie then?” She asked him. Trevor smiled, the perfect escape from the day’s events. “You’re on.”
Trevor and his wife had a lovely “date”, a passionate night, and he came to work the next morning refreshed and ready to deal with whatever this lunatic had to offer, as long as it wasn’t Eddie’s scalp.
There was a message on his voice mail from Inspector Thomas, saying the “scalp” in the box was not real skin, nor hair, it had been fabricated and placed in formaldehyde to make it smell real. Trevor breathed a sigh of relief. At least this woman hadn’t actually harmed anyone. Yet. He made a note to call the Inspector back, after his interview with the bodyguard. The interview was perfunctory, really, the bodyguard had already come highly recommended, with references from several celebrities. Jamie Connor was his name.
At 10 a.m. sharp Shannon buzzed him that he had a visitor. He told Shannon to let the visitor in. Shannon sounded a lot better than yesterday. He made another note to buy her lunch today, and maybe some flowers, to try and take away the sting of yesterday’s events. As Jamie walked into his office, Trevor got the second surprise of his life in two days, the bodyguard was a woman.
Jamie Connor was about 5’6”, slim, brown hair cut bluntly across her neck and forehead. She had bright brown eyes, a sharp nose, and a thin mouth, which was smiling at him, as she offered her hand. “Jamie Connor, nice to meet you Trevor”. She said. She shook his hand firmly. He must have looked taken aback because she said, “Has no one told you I’m a woman? That’s odd, that’s usually the first thing that gets mentioned.” She was American, but spoke with British inflections, as if she’d been in the country a while. She was wearing a pinstripe suit, white v-neck blouse, and no jewelry. Very professional looking. “Have a seat.” Trevor managed to stumble out.
She sat in the chair facing him, across his desk, and started to speak. “Before you say anything, let me just tell you that I have a black belt in karate, and have a teaching certificate in kickboxing, and am licensed to carry firearms. I practice at the firing range regularly. The agency I work for thought a woman might be best for this assignment because the subject has a lot of female fans, and the stalker is a female, and I would be less noticeable. Is there anything you would like to ask me?”
Trevor took a deep breath. “You know any details of this situation?” he asked.
“Only that the subject has been receiving threatening letters, and yesterday received what appeared to be a human scalp in the mail.” She said, calmly.
“Well it’s not a human scalp, thank goodness, and
I’ll be glad if they keep this out of the papers. The Sun would have a field
day with this.”
”I can certainly keep the press away from the subject physically sir, but can’t
really do anything about media coverage. I understand that’s a PR job.”
“No, no, you’re not expected to. Oh, can you do me a favor? I’m not “sir”, I’m Trevor, and the subject is not “the subject”, his name is Eddie. We try to be fairly human around here” Trevor smiled at her. She smiled back. He decided he liked her.
“Says on your c.v. that you took a bullet for one of your clients.” He said.
“Yeah” she answered, “I always wear a bullet proof vest, but the bozo hit me in the arm.” She smiled, and took off her suit jacket, and rolled up her sleeve, displaying a very muscular arm. He saw a round scar the size of a 5p on her bicep. “Nice” he said.
“Here’s the thing of it” he started “Eddie’s a very private guy. He’ll hang around with his tour manager John, who you’ve already met, he’ll chat a bit with backstage people and people affiliated with the tour, and any other celebrities that come out to see him, but he mostly keeps to himself. His girlfriend may join him for a while, we’re not sure yet.” Sarah had not made it clear when she would be with him and when she wouldn’t. She hated being on tour with him because she had nothing to do and got bored after a while, and didn’t particularly care to see the women swarming around him wanting to jump down his pants.
“However”
he continued, “he insists on going out after every show and signing autographs
and posing for pictures. He says he’s got to stay in touch with the fans, he
doesn’t want to forget about them, and he likes talking to them. This is where
my concern lies. He gets mobbed. Here in the UK, they’re more polite about it,
but in the US they just swarm around him and he’s got nowhere to go. “
“Well that will have to stop” Jamie said very bluntly. “They may not know how to queue in the US so we’ll have to teach them.” She said. “And I will be there every minute watching him, watching them, and watching everything else.”
“How do you do that with only one pair of eyes?” Trevor asked, laughing.
She said matter-of-factly, “Just a matter of knowing where to look when, and never stopping.”
Trevor’s phone buzzed. He picked it up. “Yeah Shannon.” “Eddie’s on the phone Trev.” “OK, thanks.” He looked over at Jamie. “Here’s the subject now.” He said. She laughed quietly.
“Hey Eddie.”
“Hello Trev, how’s it going then?”
“Fine, fine. I’ve got your bodyguard sitting here in my office, and I think you’re going to like her.”
Pause. “Her? Is this a joke?” A bewildered Eddie asked.
“No Eddie, her name is Jamie, and she’s quite capable. I’m very impressed.” He winked at Jamie.
“Oh you’re not saying that because you like her tits or anything, are you?”
Trevor laughed. “No, she’ll be perfect. She’ll fit in and be quite unnoticeable. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”
Pause. “Yeah, I guess that’ll be a good idea.”
“And who knows Eddie, we may catch the Madwoman of San Francisco.”
Another pause. “OK, we’ll give it a go. I just called to tell you I’m leaving tomorrow instead of Thursday”.
Trevor wondered if he’d had an argument with Sarah and that’s why he was leaving early. But he knew better than to ask “Right then, you’ve got everything set with John?”
He knew the next 24 hours would. be a flurry of packing, grumbling and cursing as Eddie decided what absolutely had to go and what had to stay. He always took as little as possible, he liked traveling light, but he had a lot of toys that had to go with him, Palm Pilot, laptop computer, CD Walkman, for all Trevor knew he actually did have a watch that turned into a hamster. And the clothing – usually the stage outfits got sent on ahead, and he only carried what he needed to wear other times, and he usually bought some new things in New York and Los Angeles, but Trevor knew the consternation that went on in the Izzard house when Eddie had to catch a flight, and was glad he didn’t have to be too involved. The carry-on bag alone with all his skin lotions, makeups, tonics, and treatments weighed a ton.
Trevor thought about filling Eddie in on the scalp surprise, but decided it could wait. Let him get to the bloody country first, let him just get on that plane and go.
“Yeah Trev, everything’s cool – my next call will be from New York.”
“Eddie, Jamie is going with you tomorrow.” Jamie’s eyebrows raised. She hadn’t expected to leave so soon.
Eddie sighed. “She has to stay with me all the time?” Trevor asked Jamie if she had to stay with Eddie all the time. Jamie motioned to give her the phone.
“Hey Mr. Izzard this is Jamie – sorry to meet you over the phone like this. I’ll try to stay out of your way as much as possible, but I’ve got to be with you when you’re in public, and I’ve got to make sure the area’s secure when you’re in private. Ok with you?”
There was a pause as Eddie registered surprise at Jamie getting on the phone. “Yes, we’ll give it a try and see how it works, yeah?” He was dubious about a woman bodyguard, but he figured he hadn’t even met her yet, got to give her a chance.
“Ok Mr. Izzard, see you tomorrow.” She gave the phone back to Trevor.
“Eddie have a great trip, call me when you get in, ok?”
“Yeah, ok. Take care.” They hung up.
“Well Ms. Connor, I don’t know if he was impressed or not, but you’ve got my vote.” Trevor stood up and shook Jamie’s hand again.
“Thanks Trevor – I guess I’ll be needing a plane ticket!”
“Yeah, I’ll have Shannon take care of it, stop at her desk on the way out and she’ll get you an e-ticket for the flight he’s on, she has his itinerary.
Jamie gave him a little salute, and walked out the door. Trevor hoped he was doing the right thing. Eddie wasn’t just a money maker for him, he was a talented man, and a good friend. He felt a bit protective of the eccentric comedian.
Jamie had gone home that night, gotten her bag packed in about an hour, called who she had to call, and tried to get some sleep. She was excited, she hadn’t been back to the states in a few years and she had to admit it, she was a fan of Eddie’s. Her last client was a multi-millionaire Arab who kept pinching her and she hated that assignment. She felt this was her reward for getting through that last one.
The car had come for her before Eddie, because he liked to get as much sleep as possible before he actually had to get up and out. She stood outside the car after it stopped at Eddie’s house, waiting to meet the man. The man came out of the door holding two suitcases and one on-flight bag, which the driver picked up and put in the trunk. The man walked toward Jamie.
He was wearing a plain black A-line skirt, black calf-length boots, a black jumper and a black leather jacket. His hair was reddish blond, and sticking up all over the place. Jamie wasn’t sure if it was meant to be that way, or he just didn’t comb it this morning. He seemed to be wearing makeup, but she couldn’t tell how much, he was wearing dark sunglasses. She tried not to look at the skirt. She knew she was just going to have to get used to it. After all she supposed, she was wearing a suit, so he could be wearing a skirt. She held out her hand. “Jamie Connor, Mr. Izzard, pleasure to meet you.” He shook her hand. “Same here, Jamie.” He lit a cigarette and got into the car, she followed him in, trying not to think about her hair and clothes smelling like smoke the whole day.
“I hope you don’t mind if we don’t chat Jamie, I was up a bit late last night and I want to get a nap.” He settled back in the limo and leaned his head back.
“No problem Mr. Izzard” Jamie said.
The last thing he said before he fell asleep was “you can call me Eddie”.
The VIP Lounge at Heathrow Airport was a mess. It was like a sub-committee meeting for the United Nations, people walking around speaking foreign languages, all demanding one thing or another from the flight staff, who were running around like crazy trying to do for the travelers. That damn “unattended bag” announcement every five minutes was giving Jamie a headache.
Jamie was constantly scanning the crowd. Everyone assumed this stalker was in the states, but you never knew. She kept looking around, looking at Eddie, and looking around again. “You’re making me nervous Jamie, do you have to do that all the time?”
“Yeah Eddie, I’m afraid I do. I’ll stand a bit away from you if you like. Can’t stand too far away though.” Eddie was thinking he was going to be very sick of this by the time they got to New York, there HAD to be a better way.
The waiter came over and asked them if they’d like a beverage. Beer for Eddie, Coke for Jamie. Eddie took his beer and went to sit by the window. Jamie sat a few seats down from him and pretended to read a book. He looked tired, she thought. Even though he’d slept the whole way to the airport. Jamie already felt privileged to know a little Eddie secret…he snored!
They called the boarding announcement, and Eddie got up to head to the gate. A man bumped into him and said “Oh pardon me” and Eddie started to say “no worry”, but before he could get the words out, Jamie had taken the man by the arm and very firmly moved him away from Eddie. The man said “Now what do you think you’re doing miss?” and Jamie said “May I have the gentleman’s wallet back now sir?” She reached into the man’s jacket pocket and pulled out Eddie’s wallet. She tossed it to Eddie, “meet you on the plane.” Surprised, he grabbed for the wallet, looked in it quickly, put it in his jacket pocket and got on line to board, watching Jamie until she was out of sight. She pulled the man over to the security officer, flashed her license, and told the officer she had to make this plane but she’d fill out a complaint when she got back.
Eddie was settled in his seat when Jamie entered the plane. There’d been no room on 1st class so she was sitting in coach. She smiled at him when she passed, leaned over to him and said “keep the damn wallet in your bra if your going to wear a skirt, will ya?” He looked at her with wonder and laughed. “Yes ma’am!” he gave her a mini-salute.
She scanned the passengers in 1st class as she walked back to her seat. No single women. She felt confident he would be alright up there. Hell, she thought, he’d be much better than her, squeezed in between two college kids on there way home from some hostel, a hostel that didn’t have working showers, apparently.
About a half hour after take-off a flight attendant came over to her and said, “Miss there’s an empty seat in 1st class, someone didn’t make the flight. The gentleman requested your presence.” Jamie smiled, smelling like cigarette smoke was one thing, smelling like cigarette smoke and someone else’s BO was something else entirely. She happily gave up her seat to move.
The seat on the plane wasn’t next to Eddie, it was a row behind, but she was still grateful. She walked over to his seat to thank him, but of course, he was sleeping.
The flight was smooth enough, she even got to watch a movie she’d been wanting to see. After they landed and the seat belt sign went off, she went over to Eddie, he was finally awake. She leaned over and said “I’ll go first, I’ll look around, and you come behind me. Stay close enough to be able to touch me, but don’t act like you know me.” Eddie nodded, smiled and said “like being in a James Bond flick I guess.” Jamie said, “Yeah, just don’t call me Octopussy.” and he laughed. He walked behind Jamie through customs, where he noticed she carried a gun, as she showed her license to do so to the customs official. They walked to the waiting area with their bags, found the driver, made their way to the car, and started out of Long Island toward Manhattan.
Eddie’s mobile phone rang., he flipped it open. “Hello?” he asked.
“Hey Eddie, it’s John, I’m at the hotel. How are you, how was your flight?”
“Flight was ok Johnny, got some sleep. Jamie is here too.”
“Yeah, Trevor told me he sent her along with you. You like her?”
Eddie looked at Jamie a minute and smiled. “Yeah, she got my wallet back from a pickpocket at the airport, she passed my test..”
John was alarmed. “You got mugged at the airport? Did it have anything to do with this woman stalking you?”
“Nah, everything’s cool. Surprised the shit out of me though.”
“Well get prepared for another surprise. Trevor got a little package for you from your best friend the other day, looked like human skin and hair, but it turned out not to be.”
Eddie almost dropped the phone. “What?!?!” Jamie guessed John was telling him about the package.
“’S’alright though Ed, they’re working on it. The San Francisco police have a few leads, and the LA police are helping them now, they have a special stalking unit.”
Eddie was in shock. “I, I uh, gotta go Johnny, talk to you later.” And he flipped the phone closed. He looked at Jamie. “You knew about this?”
She nodded. “No one’s going to hurt you Eddie. I’ll make sure of it.”
Eddie looked at her. “But now it’s worse than just some mad woman stalking me. Now it’s some mad, VIOLENT woman stalking me. I mean if she wanted to grab me and shag me, I could handle that. But she wants to grab me and rip my fucking hair outta my head!” He was visibly upset. Jamie tried to calm him down.
Jamie took off her jacket, rolled up her sleeve, and showed Eddie her bullet scar. In her calm, quiet voice she said “This is my job. This is what I do. No one’s going to hurt you. You understand?”
Eddie stared at the scar and quieted down. He’d never seen a real bullet scar before, just made up ones done for movies. “That must’ve hurt.”, he said.
“Not as bad as the hurt I put on the shooter.” Jamie said.
“Ok” Eddie said. “ok”. He turned to look out the window to see the approaching Manhattan skyline.
When they arrived at the hotel, Jamie asked Eddie to stand in the hall while she checked out the rooms. They had gotten a suite with two king size bedrooms, on either end of a large living area, with table, chairs, kitchenette, sofa and television/stereo setup. She looked out all the windows to see who could possibly be looking in. She opened closet doors, looked under the beds, behind the television. She checked the electrical outlets, the medicine chest in the bathroom, even inside the toilet tank. When she was through she told Eddie he could come in. He wasn’t looking happy. He was used to just coming and going as he pleased, doing a minimum of publicity, and a maximum of exploring the city. It was beginning to sink in that this trip was going to be different.
John came in the door, “Hi there Eddie, hey Jamie, good to see you.” He shook both their hands. “I’ve got a room down the hall. Everything ok now?”
Jamie said “Seems to be. What’s the schedule?” she asked him.
“Well”, John started, “Eddie’s free tonight, tomorrow and tomorrow night. Friday he’s starting a gig of 6 shows, with a break on Tuesday. We’re trying to get him on Letterman for Tuesday, it may be later in the week, which would mean he’d have to zip from the studio to the theater, but he’s done it before. He’s got a radio interview at 3pm on Monday, and he’s taking publicity photos on Wednesday at noon, the photographer’s studio is uptown.” A week from Saturday he flies to Atlanta for a week, then Miami for about a week, then Chicago, then LA, then San Francisco. Trevor was thinking we may want to cancel San Francisco, because of the circumstances.”
Eddie had been sitting on the sofa listening to all of this. “I’m not canceling anything. People pay a lot of money to see these gigs. If I didn’t cancel a gig because I had flu, I’m not canceling it because I have stalker.”
Jamie burst out laughing. Eddie looked at her and he started laughing too. He scratched his head. “Right, I’m taking a shower.” He walked off toward the bathroom.
John went back to unpacking Eddie’s mishmash of clothing and other assorted sundries. He grabbed a makeup case and walked over to the bathroom, knocked, and handed it in to Eddie. Then he said, “well, I’m off for a few days, going to do some gallivanting, some planning, and some arranging. You have my mobile number, and I’ll be back and forth from the hotel.”
“Sure John, enjoy. I’ll be here.” Jamie said.
“Good thing too.” John said. Jamie smiled and said “Thanks.”
Jamie went into her room and began to unpack her own things. She too traveled light, a few suits, a few shirts, two pairs of shoes, a small makeup kit, and underwear. She had a secret hope that Eddie would want to go shopping, she could use a few new things.
That night and the next day passed uneventfully. She did get to go shopping with Eddie, a unique experience. He bought clothing in women’s shops that was the wrong size, then left them with a men’s tailor who could alter them to fit his physique. She loved the look on the saleswomen’s faces when he tried on their high heeled shoes. Once in a while someone recognized him and Jamie would have to get in closer, but Eddie was always gracious, gave the autograph, the kiss or the handshake, and they continued on their way.
They went out with John and a few other people from the tour for dinner, and had a rehearsal at the theater. All the time Jamie was scanning, searching, and observing, but she didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Eddie was pleasant to her, but kept her at a distance, as she observed he did with everyone. She only saw him get upset once, when the lighting man wasn’t hitting his cues at the rehearsal, Eddie got frustrated, but it turned out to be a wiring problem, and Eddie did end up apologizing to the technician.
Friday, the day of the first show started off well, and slowly went downhill from there.
She woke up on Friday feeling fine, no jet lag, and ordered breakfast from room service. She knew Eddie wouldn’t be up until after noon, she couldn’t wait for him to eat. After breakfast she went down to use the hotel gym and spa, a luxury she didn’t often get while she was working. She came back into the room after her workout to the sound of doors slamming and yelling.
“For fuck’s sake John, I packed three outfits together and only two show up?!? How the fuck does that happen?!? Where’s the black one? Whadja do, fuckin’ sell it? Jamie knocked on his door, which was half open. She peeked her head in. “Anything I can do?”
Eddie looked up startled. He was wearing just a towel around his waist. “Uh, no, no Jamie, just a case of missing trousers…could you close the door please? Thanks.” And she was dismissed. Jamie wasn’t embarrassed or hurt, his door was open, after all, and she had to verify his safety. She wasn’t trying to see him in a towel. He looked so vulnerable and childlike standing there, like a boy who’s mum threw away his favorite jeans.
That was the first minor incident. The second incident wasn’t so minor. Trevor called her from London. “Hello Jamie?”
“Yes, Trevor? How are you?”
“Fine Jamie. How’s our boy?”
“He’s fine, well not so fine at the moment, he seems to have lost one of his outfits.”
Trevor chuckled. “There’s always some last minute catastrophe, he loses his mobile, he loses his notes, he rips his trousers and has to be sewn up, I’ve seen it all. When the time comes, he’ll walk out on that stage and it’ll be perfection, he wouldn’t have it any other way. Don’t worry about his problems now, just make sure he’s safe.”
“I hear that. Is there anything I can do for you?”
Trevor’s voice became serious, “I got another letter today – this one postmarked New York. I’ll read it to you, ‘I can’t wait to see you Eddie , and I know you can’t wait to see me. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms, we’ll be together, and I’ll get rid of your bodyguard, you won’t need her when I’m around. I love you, Danielle.’”.
Jamie was taken aback. “How did she know he had a bodyguard? And how did she know I’m a woman? She’s got to be following us, but I haven’t noticed anyone, in a car or on foot. I’ve got a telescope set up to check all the opposing windows, and I haven’t seen anyone looking in, what the hell’s going on?” Jamie felt she’d been derelict in her duties. She wondered if she should call someone else in. Trevor calmed her down.
“It’s not you Jamie, there’s got to be a leak. I’m having all the employees checked out here, and all John’s people there. I called a meeting with the tour sponsor at Detour magazine to see if he can find anything. The NYPD has been alerted, and they’re checking to see who’s come in from San Francisco in the past couple of days but there’s too many possibilities, it’s going to take them a while. And they gave me the usual crap about not having the manpower to do it. Just sit tight and watch Eddie.”
“Right Trevor” she felt a little bit better now but not much. “Can the police spare a few officers to guard the theater?”
“I’ll give them a call back and ask. I’m not sure. They’re also checking ticket holders who bought with credit cards, but there are quite a few who bought with cash, so that may not work either. There were also a lot of tickets given away by the sponsor.” He sighed. “Do we tell Eddie?”
“I have to tell him, he’s got to be alerted to what’s going on around him.”
“Yeah but I’m worried it’s going to affect his performance. I don’t want him nervous.”
“I’ll tell him Trevor, and I’ll be calm about it. He’ll be fine. I think he’s more upset about losing an outfit.”
Trevor chuckled a bit. “OK Jamie, do what you think is best. Tell him to call me after the show, he can wake me up, he’s done it before.”
“I will Trevor. Thanks for ringing, I’ll take care of it.” They hung up.
Now Jamie really had to speak with Eddie, regardless of what he was or wasn’t wearing. She knocked on his door again. “Eddie, I have to talk to you, Trevor just called me.”
Eddie opened the door, dressed in black jeans and a blue shiny t-shirt. “Sorry about before Jamie, I apparently lost an expensive new suit. Shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
She brushed it off, “that’s ok Eddie. I have to tell you something, Trevor got another letter from the stalker. It was postmarked New York. We’ve got to be really careful from now on, I’m changing the security measures, moving them up a notch. You understand?”
Eddie nodded, sat down on the bed and looked up at her. “What do we do?”
“You stay here with me until we go to the theater. Hopefully we’ll have a few cops around the place. I’d love to have a few plainclothes but that probably won’t happen. You stay in your dressing room until show time. You do your show, you come back to the hotel. I’m sorry mate, that’s how it has to be.” The familiar British slang just slipped out of her mouth, she knew it was inappropriate the minute she said it. They weren’t “mates”. They were employer and employee.
Eddie’s eyes flashed. “Look, this is how it’s going to be. I’m not going to be a prisoner in my own life. I go to the theater. I do my show. I hang out in my dressing room for about ½ hour and socialize a bit, then go sign autographs, then go out with John, and whoever’s around. You do what you have to do. I’m not letting this stupid cunt ruin my life.”
Jamie wasn’t shocked by the language. She wasn’t shocked by his rebellion, she’d heard and seen just about everything. And she could understand his frustration. People who lived with bodyguards often became very paranoid, and neurotic. She could see Eddie fighting for his normal state of mind. She thought fast.
“Compromise? You do the show, you hang out backstage afterward, you sign autographs for five minutes only, then you and everyone can come back here and hang out.”
Eddie thought a minute. “I want to go out afterward. This is New York for fuck sake, I want to find a pub and relax.”
Jamie looked at him. “There’s a woman out there who may want to do you harm.”
“That’s what I have you for Ms. Bodyguard.” He stood up, clapped her on the shoulder, and went into the bathroom, she heard him putting some bottles and whatnot into his makeup kit. She knew celebrities could be brats sometimes. But ultimately, they were your bosses. I’m sure they told John Kennedy not to ride around a hostile Southern town in an open-topped car, she thought.
She walked out of the room into the living room and began to make some calls. She called John, told him to coordinate with Trevor and make sure there were police at the theater. She called the theater, told them to hire a rent-a-cop for the week. Then she went into the bedroom and cleaned and loaded her gun.
When she came out of the bedroom, she was wearing her gun in it’s holster, and her bullet proof vest under her black suede jacket and blue button down shirt. She was wearing jeans, with sneakers, trying to blend into the crowd.
Eddie came out in his black jeans and blue t-shirt, carrying a garment bag and a makeup kit bag. They looked at each other. “Let’s go then” he said. She nodded, opened the door, checked the hallway, and they went to the elevator. He insisted on stopping into a restaurant to get something to eat, even though she’d wanted him to get something brought into the theater. It seemed to her he was doing things purposely now to antagonize her. She wanted to tell him he wasn’t antagonizing her, just his own safety, but she kept her mouth shut, and watched his space.
There were already fans at the theater when the car pulled up to the back entrance. “I’m going to get out and have security clear these people away.” She told Eddie.
“No you are not.” He said. “I’m going in, and I’ll say hello and whatever else they want me to do. I snub these people and it’ll be all over the internet tomorrow what a horrible person I am.” The first thought that came into Jamie’s mind was “so what?” but she kept silent. She wasn’t the star here.
She called the theater manager from her cell phone and told him they were here and to have the rent-a-cop come to the back door. When he arrived, and stood there by the open door, she got out of the limo, Eddie got out behind her, and all the women started to wave and call. There were about 30 women there, a lot of them wearing leather, and PVC clothing, with very low cut tops. Eddie obviously enjoyed their attention. As the driver got his bags and brought them in, Eddie stopped for a few minutes to sign autographs, exchange pleasantries, flirt, and smile for a few pictures. Jamie saw every face that looked at him, she saw every movement those women made, she watched their hands to see what they were holding and she kept scanning the street and behind them, across the street, where a crowd had gathered to see who was getting all this attention. These women were acting like they’d known Eddie for years, like he was their best friend. After about 10 minutes, she saw him hand a pen and paper back to someone, and she said “Let’s go NOW” and on the “now” she took his arm and propelled him slowly through the crowd, in the back door of the theater.
Once inside Eddie turned around, “Did you see something? Why did you do that?”
“I compromised, you wanted to socialize, I just put a time limit on it, that’s all. You have to work with me Eddie, not against me. I’m not the one that’s wants you in formaldehyde.”
That stopped him cold. “Right” he said, and they went up the back stairs to
his dressing room.
John was in the dressing room, hanging up Eddie’s clothes and taking all the junk out of the makeup bag. The manager was there too, a short, chubby Italian man with a big smile. He held his hand out to Eddie, “nice to have you back Eddie, sorry about all this trouble you’re having.” Eddie shook his hand. “Thanks Joey, everything should be fine. See? I’ve got this bodyguard.” he said jovially and pointed to Jamie. She shook Joey’s hand, “Nice to meet you” she said. She wandered over to the windows and looked out, the window looked out onto an alleyway and did not face any other windows. She checked the hallway, the private bathroom, and looked down the stairs. “Joey I want one of your security team on those stairs at all times, no one comes up that isn’t already in this room.”
He nodded. “Anything else Miss?” “It’s Jamie, and yes, I would like the rent-a-cop to wear this headset so he and I can be in contact at all time. Where is he anyway?”
“He’s on the back door, I’ll give this to him. His name’s Dave, I’ve used him before.”
Joey went out the door with the headset, and Jamie put hers on. Eddie had a thought, “That’s not going to affect my headset mike, is it? I have this vision of me being in the middle of my act and all of a sudden I yell out ‘Dive! Dive!’ or something.”
Jamie laughed. “No Eddie, it’s not the same frequency, it’ll be fine. I’ve used it lots of times before.” The green light went on the battery pack. She talked into the mike. “Hello, Dave? That you? Over.”
“Yes Jamie, it’s me. Seems to be working ok. Over.”
“Dave I’ll need you to be patrolling the theater during the performance and I’ll need you at the back door when Eddie’s signing his autographs afterward. Talk to me about every 15 minutes to make sure everything’s ok, and of course anytime you feel something isn’t ok. We’re probably looking for a woman, but we have no description at this time. Over.”
“Gotcha Jamie. Over and out.” Jamie was satisfied the headset was working. She turned her attention to Eddie. He had changed into a pair of extremely tight black trousers with buckles, and silver rings hanging down from straps going round his legs, high heeled patent leather boots, and a sparkly black shirt, also cut tight. He was standing in the mirror doing his makeup, with some very bright blues and reds. Jamie didn’t know how he could move in that outfit, but it wasn’t for her to say.
Eddie looked up at her. “Too much?” he asked. His lips were blazing red, his eyelids were bright bluish green and his eyes were ringed in black kohl. His eyebrows were also black kohl, clashing with his bright reddish blond hair. “Just a bit, maybe” she admitted. He smiled. “Good! Now I’m done.” He lit a cigarette and started looking over some scribblings he’d jotted down earlier, mumbling to himself, “Bush, Thatcher, Pinochet, Jesus, guns, opposable thumbs, Vadar now? No, Vadar for encore. No, Guiness book for encore…maybe Socrates…new stuff..” He was in his own little world, Jamie watched him, fascinated with his creative process. He kept over two hour’s worth of material in his head and it all came jumbling out exactly as he wanted it to.
“He usually likes to be alone when he’s going over his act.” John whispered to her as he walked out the door. She smiled at John, “I’m not moving until he goes on, then I’m escorting him on. That’s the way it is, ok?” John nodded, “Ok then, see you down there.”
8:30 came, and they heard Eddie’s opening music start. Joey poked his head in the door and said, “Ok Eddie, you ready?” Eddie looked over at him, nodded, and started walking to the door. He didn’t look at Jamie, didn’t speak to her. He was still in his own world. They walked down the stairs behind the stage together. Jamie was looking around. She’d checked it out earlier but you never knew. There was a theater security man standing at the foot of the stairs. He gave her a mock salute and smiled. She nodded. The kid was about 25 years old, she was wary of how much good he could actually do.
Eddie was standing there behind the stage bouncing on the balls of his feet. “C’mon, c’mon” he was saying to himself. Jamie looked out into the audience, saw Dave standing in back, scanning everyone, and she saw a New York City policeman standing there too. She knew Eddie wouldn’t like that, thinking people would be distracted. But when the music stopped and he walked out on the stage, the audience didn’t sound distracted. He got a huge round of applause, and then a standing ovation. It was five minutes before he could get them to stop and begin his act.
Dave whispered in her ear every fifteen minutes via the headset, “Everything ok, nothing out of the ordinary. Over.”
Eddie talked for an hour and fifteen minutes, then called for an interval, and walked backstage, to more rousing applause. He was sweating, and one of the stage hands handed him a towel. She said “Seems to be going well.” He nodded to her, and took a bottle of water from the stage hand, unsealed it and drank practically the whole thing standing there. He went upstairs to the bathroom and closed the door. John was standing behind her. “He doesn’t talk until afterward. He’s still in Eddieworld.” John smiled. She looked at John and nodded. “Sure, I understand.”
“Hope you’re not going to be sick of the act by the time we hit the west coast.” John said.
“Honestly John I don’t think you’ll need me by then, if the stalker’s sent a letter postmarked New York, something may happen here and we may solve our problem right away.”
“Well, Trevor will like not having to pay your bill, but I think we’ll miss you.” John said, and put his hand on her shoulder.
“Thanks John, but I think Eddie will be much happier when it’s over. I’m like a constant reminder to him that something’s wrong, that he’s in danger. He’s trying so hard not to be a nervous wreck.”
John looked thoughtful for a moment. “Guess you’re right then. Man what a job, needed, but not wanted.”
That stopped her for a minute. But then she smiled, “More like needed, and appreciated.”
John smiled back, “Sorry, didn’t mean anything by that you know.”
“No it’s ok, no problem.”
Eddie came out of the bathroom, he’d fixed his makeup and straightened his clothing. He stood at the side of the stage and waited for the music to begin to cue his entrance.
And then the lights went out.
Jamie instantly grabbed Eddie’s arm and said “It’s me Jamie, stay calm. Stay still.” Eddie just stood there, looking around. It was pitch dark. The audience was murmuring, she heard feet shuffling. She talked into the headset, “Dave, what’s going on? Over.”
“Don’t know Jamie. Over.” Jamie saw the beam of a
flashlight from the back of the theater.
”Anybody see anything? Over.” she asked Dave.
“No, nothing. Joey went to check the lighting. Over.”
Then an announcement came over the loud speaker, it was Joey. “Ladies and gentlemen we seem to be having some problems with our electrical system which will be fixed shortly. Please remain in your seats. Thank you.”
The spotlight technicians were shining flashlights all over the place trying to find the problem. Joey was down at the fuse box checking all the fuses.
Jamie’s hand remained on Eddie’s arm. And then she felt him put his hand on top of hers. She heard him whisper, “Glad you’re here, mate.” In spite of the impending danger, she smiled to herself. Guess she wasn’t a pain in the ass after all.
Joey came up behind them. “Someone just ripped all the fuses out of the box, I’ve got one of the lighting guys replacing them now.”
Suddenly the lights came up in a blaze, and they all blinked. And then they heard the audience gasp. Jamie peeked through the curtains. There, on the stage, draped across a chair, was Eddie’s missing outfit.
“Bloody hell, it’s my Gaultier!”
Jamie walked on stage, ignoring the comments from the crowd, looked the outfit over, looked the chair over, picked up the outfit and brought it off stage. One of the stage hands went to get the chair. She held up the black shiny suit and began rummaging through the pockets. She found a card in one of the pockets and pulled it out. It said, “You are fantastic as always darling. You have wonderful taste. See you after the show. Love, Danielle.”
She looked at Eddie. He was standing there wide-eyed, not moving. “Eddie, you can be in the car in five minutes going back to the hotel. What do you want to do?”
He took a deep breath and looked down at his shoes, then at the suit hanging over Jamie’s arm. Then he looked at her. “I’ve got to finish the show. I want this bitch to know she’s not scaring me.”
Jamie knew he wasn’t going to make her job easy. “Alright then. The show goes on.”
“Yeah” he said, “I just need about 10 minutes to get myself together.” With that, he turned his back to her and walked over to the brick wall behind the stage curtain, leaned against it, and closed his eyes. Eddieworld.
John went to tell Joey to cue the music in 10 minutes. Jamie stood and kept looking at the crowd, was the person who put the suit and chair on the stage still there? What did she look like? She looked back at Eddie, his eyes were still closed. There was even a bit of a smile playing around his lips.
Then the music started, Eddie straightened up, shook himself out like a cat, and walked back onstage. The audience roared. He managed to get fifteen minutes of material out of the suit and the lights going out. The crowd loved it. Jamie was amazed at how quickly his mind worked. He must’ve been working that all out while he was leaning against the wall.
There were no incidents during the rest of the show, Dave reported in to her every 15 minutes, and she saw the cop wandering around in the back. Eddie finished, to thunderous applause, went back out for his traditional encore, then came off. He and Jamie went upstairs, John right behind. Once in the dressing room, he started to take off his make-up. “Right, I’m going to fix my slap, change my clothes, and sign a few autographs, then we’ll be off, ok?”
Jamie looked at him. “You know what I’d prefer.”
He grinned, “Yeah, I know you want to take me home and have me all to yourself but you have to share now.” He was taking this lightly and he was making her laugh and that’s not how it was supposed to be. If she started picking up his attitude she was going to get him, and maybe herself, hurt. She turned her back on him and went to the window.
John said “One of the cops is going to stick around the stage door until you’re done Eddie. And Jamie and Dave will be there too, should be alright.”
Eddie nodded, while he wiggled into a pair of tights, black PVC mini, and hot pink spandex shirt. He fixed his make-up, and put his high heeled black boots back on. “How do I look?” he asked Jamie. She didn’t answer. He looked at her back for a minute as she kept looking out the window. Then he looked at John. John shrugged his shoulders. “I think you look great, don’t know how you walk around in those boots, they’d send me right over the edge.” He smiled at Eddie, but Eddie was looking at Jamie and didn’t notice.
“I’m off downstairs to check everyone’s in place. See you in a mo’.”
Distractedly, Eddie answered, “Yeah, ok.”. He turned to Jamie, “What’s wrong? Do you see something?”
Jamie turned around. She tried not to register her shock at his appearance. He looked like half a Barbie doll and half a GI Joe.
She looked right into his eyes. “No, I was just getting too lighthearted around you. It’s a bad way to be in my position. Someone could get hurt.”
He looked back into her eyes. “I understand, no worries Jamie. You’ve got my confidence you know. I won’t try to make you laugh anymore.”
“No Eddie, you shouldn’t change anything about yourself. This situation forces too many changes in your lifestyle already. I’ve just got to handle myself better. Hopefully we can get this straightened out soon enough.”
“You think she’s down there?”
“Yeah, I do. And I intend to nail her ass to the wall.” As she said this, Jamie walked by Eddie, looked out the door down the stairs, and saw the security guard and Dave standing down there, she said, “We’re coming down.” They nodded up at her.
Eddie walked downstairs, Jamie right behind. At the bottom of the stairs she said to Dave, “I want you to stand at the back door and keep it open slightly, in case I have to get him back inside.” Dave said “Ok” and went to the door. She looked around for John and didn’t see him, she figured he was outside. “Dave, where’s the cop?”
“He went outside, was going to try to get them all lined up nice.” Teaching New Yorkers how to queue, Jamie thought. Not something I’d like to have to do.
Jamie went outside, there had to be over 50 people standing there, in a crowd. The policeman wasn’t doing a very good job – the first 10 or 20 people were in line, but everyone else was jumbled about. She didn’t like it. Where was John? She needed his help. Someone spotted Eddie waiting to come out and they all screamed, and started to surge toward the back door. She heard a gunshot - and instinctively turned to grab Eddie, but she realized it was just the cop, he’d fired a shot overhead, now he was yelling.
“People! Everyone gets in an orderly line or everyone goes HOME! NOW!” That seemed to do the trick. Thank God for the NYPD. The gunshot had startled Eddie, but he seemed to be regaining composure. Jamie thought she could see his face become the social mask that he used to greet fans, as she’d seen with him in the stores the other day.
He came out side with a big smile, everyone applauded, smiled, called his name, and they seemed to be staying in line. Jamie stood right next to him watching everyone that came within 10 feet of him, looking up, left and right in-between autographs. She wouldn’t let him move too far away from the door, if someone wanted his picture, they had to come stand next to him. She guessed she was going to be a nameless face in about a thousand pictures that night. Eddie and the mystery woman.
She glanced behind her, Dave was at the door, watching their every move. Where the hell was John? A lot of these fans looked a little spooky, it was kind of like going to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Any one of them could have evil intentions. She let Eddie do his thing for about 15 minutes, signing, kissing, hand shaking, flirting, she must have heard about 30 squeals from devoted fans, and even more stories they just “had” to tell him. He was very patient and sweet with everyone, the tall, the short, the fat, the skinny, the pretty, the not so pretty, and he was especially sweet to anyone that was challenged in anyway. He spent an extra few minutes with a girl in a wheelchair who gave him a stuffed monkey that she’d sewn wings on to. He got quite a chuckle out of that and the girl was beside herself with happiness.
Jamie pulled on his arm and whispered in his ear, “Gotta get going, Eddie.”
“Few more minutes” he pleaded.
“Nope” she said, not smiling. “Now.”
He sighed, and said to the crowd, Thanks very much, everybody, I do have to go now.” There was an audible groan from those who were left waiting.
Then, all of a sudden, things got a little weird.
A woman stepped away from the people on the sidewalk into the street and stood between two parked cars. Jamie snapped to attention, noticing someone deviating from the crowd. She was a tall woman, with brown hair, wearing a black dress and black coat. Jamie saw her reach under her coat for something and she shoved Eddie back toward the stage door, “GO, go IN, NOW” she said and she literally pushed him down, where he fell inside the door jamb and Dave pulled him inside, then he stepped outside and closed the door behind him.
Jamie ran for the woman while reaching for her gun at the same time and yelling “EVERYONE GET DOWN!” but there were people in-between she and the would-be stalker and the cop was pushing everyone down, and she heard Dave breathing in her ear behind her and by the time she reached the supposed mad woman, the woman had pulled a gun out of her coat and was aiming it at Jamie. “You don’t deserve him. You don’t belong with him. You’re in my way.” The woman said, quite calmly.
Jamie stopped dead in her tracks. There was something very familiar about this woman.
There was something very odd about this woman.
This woman was John.
She slowly pulled her hand away from her gun. “John?” She asked tremulously. The woman in black got very angry. That was definitely the wrong question.
“I’m NOT JOHN! I’m DANIELLE! I’m Eddie’s girlfriend and YOU are nothing but a SLUT!” with that she aimed and fired at Jamie. As Jamie saw the hammer go down, she jumped, landing on “Danielle”, and simultaneously pushed the gun aside. The gun went off, and Jamie felt a searing hot pain go through her leg and she screamed. The cop had come up behind them and grabbed John, pulled him away from Jamie, threw him face down on the cobblestone street, and handcuffed him. He was screaming, yelling, cursing, his wig had come askew, and Jamie’s last eyeful as she lost consciousness was a babbling psychotic with mascara running down his face crying “Eddie, Eddie I love you…”
Jamie sat up in bed, reading the latest bestseller. The nurse came in to take her temperature, and asked her if she needed any more pain medication. She refused. Her leg was itching like crazy, but that meant it was healing. The bullet had gone in the meaty part of her thigh and out through the other side. She was very lucky, no major organs or arteries were hit, no permanent damage. She was just laid up for a month or so. She hated sitting around, waiting to get better. At least she could go home in a few weeks. The doctor said she could fly back to London as soon as they were sure there was no more risk of infection.
The New York police had sent a Detective Mooney around to fill her in. She had a million questions.
“He had friends in the states send the stuff for him, they were totally unaware of what they were sending. He’s in Bellevue, they’ve got a nice little suite set up for him, he’s under heavy sedation, and heavy observation. Probably be there until he turns into a little old lady.” The cop chuckled. He noticed Jamie wasn’t laughing. He continued.
“Shrink said he’s got a personality disorder. Yeah, I’d say he’s got about 2 or 3 of them. Anyway, he supposedly had this love/hate thing going with Izzard, was homosexually in love with him, couldn’t deal with being gay, so he “became” a woman, and it got mixed up with jealousy over Izzard’s success, his own insanity, and anger at having to follow him around being his personal butler while he was on tour. It all got wrapped a bit too tight in his head, and he snapped. That’s what they think, anyway. Pretty hard to get anything out of him now, he’s become a head of lettuce. Kind of ironic, ain’t it, a transvestite getting attacked by a guy in a dress.” Mooney was laughing. Jamie was not, she’d heard every transvestite/transsexual/Psycho joke she wanted to hear for the rest of her life. The hospital was talking about nothing else. Thank God not too many people around her were Eddie’s fans, she’d been waiting for the cracks about “weirdo transvestites”. Mooney pronounced Eddie’s name to rhyme with “lizard”, it got on her nerves.
”The irony, Detective, is that I wear a bullet-proof vest on every job I’m on
and the two times I get shot, it’s nowhere near the vest. That’s the irony.”
Jamie had given her statement to the police already, Detective Mooney was there as a courtesy call. He sensed she was not too happy, and stood up, “I’d stay to keep you company, but I hate hospitals, can’t stand the way they smell, like formaldehyde.”
At the mention of that word Jamie got a little nauseous, and waved him away, “That’s ok Detective, I’m getting a bit sleepy now. Thanks for coming by.” With that, he left, and Jamie thanked God he hated hospitals.
She stared out the window from her bed, to look at the sooty Manhattan skyline and think about the past month.
She heard a knock at the door and turned her head to say “Come in.”
In came Eddie Izzard, in standard black jeans, blue t-shirt, sneakers, and a cane. Jamie smiled. “How long you have to use that thing?”
“Oh I think I’m going to keep it forever – it makes a great prop on stage.”
When she’d pushed Eddie back into the theater he’d fallen off his high heeled boots and twisted his ankle terribly. But he didn’t miss one show. He showed up the next night in his black spangly shirt, and his black mini-skirt, with a huge wad of bandages around his ankle, and a cane. Not wanting to give the event any notoriety, he joked for 15 minutes about how he got his injury – never have sex standing up in a hammock, never tap dance in the bathtub, he got laughs like never before.
She chuckled at his joke.
“Ah, you’re off duty now, you get to laugh.”
“Yeah, but I had to get shot to do it. Kind of a bum deal if you ask me. So how was the south? You like Atlanta and Miami?” She knew he’d come back to New York because he was doing a couple of talk shows. She knew he didn’t come back just to see her.
“Hot. They were fucking hot. But I think I did well. I learned…to talk…like this…” he did a southern drawl for her, with his British accent, she laughed so hard she almost choked.
He hobbled over to her bed and sat down on the edge. “You ok?” he asked. “Didn’t mean to make you stop breathing.”
She coughed out a response, “I’m ok Eddie, glad to see you though.” She looked at his face up close. She saw a glint of suspicion in his eyes now that wasn’t there before, and would probably be there for a long, long time. She felt sad, wishing she’d known him before this had all happened. She felt for all his friends, it would be quite a while before he trusted anyone other than family again. Trevor had called her on the phone a few days ago and said Eddie was very distant with him now, just discussed business and that was it. He felt like he lost a good friend.
“Glad to see you too mate.” He smiled at her. “You have another scar to add to your c.v. now. You can show it to your next client to calm him down.”
“Afraid not Eddie, this one’s a little too personal to show.” She smiled back at him. He seemed to get a little red. He’d forgotten where the wound was, she figured.
He cleared his throat, “Anyway, I’m off to Chicago, and Los Angeles, me and my big fucking foot. I’ll give you a call sometime when I’m back in London, yeah? We can NOT talk about old times.” He took her hand and squeezed it gently. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. He smelled like cigarettes, and she remembered when she’d first met him, all hung over, snoring in the back of the limo on the way to the airport. She kissed his cheek too.
He left something in her hand. She looked down at it, it was a gold link bracelet, with a gold high heeled boot charm on it. “Something to remember me by. You like?”
She liked. “Eddie it’s fantastic. Thank you.” She thought she was going to cry. “You better get going mate, there’s a Versace shirt out there somewhere with your name on it.” She laughed softly.
He smiled, “I’m off. Take it easy now, no crowd diving for a while, yeah?” He stood up, picked up his cane, and limped toward the door.
“Yeah” she said, and smiled back at him. Then he was gone.
She put the bracelet on, and giggled at the charm shaped like a sexy boot. She had a quick thought, bodyguards aren’t supposed to giggle. Ah the hell with it, she thought. Maybe I’ll teach gym.
The End.
