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Thud! Clunk! Yowch! I landed on my ass, as usual, after tripping over the tree root (where DID that come from?), rolling down the hill and landing painfully in a ditch. Sure, take a nice walk for exercise on a sunny day, right. Good for you, right, no problem. Except when you’re me, and are destined to end up, well….end up.

I looked back up toward the lake that I’d been strolling around, and it wasn’t there. I looked around, and nothing was there, really. Flat plains, green dotted with flowers, nothing more. There was a slight breeze and I zipped up my sweatshirt jacket and tucked my hands into the pockets. I started walking back up toward where the lake should have been, but I didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. I gave up and sat down in the grass, pulled out my cigs and lit up. What’s a nice healthy walk without a few cigarettes to keep you company?

Something was moving on the horizon, a black dot. The black dot began to get bigger as it approached, and I started to make out a form – looked like a big white rat. I sniffed my cigarette, as if there was something in there beside tobacco. I stubbed it out, and rubbed my eyes. I looked up again, no, it was a white rat. A human sized white rat. Carrying a pocket watch. And all I could think of was a rat doesn’t have pockets – do they? It was running toward me on two legs, looking down at the watch it was carrying in it’s paw, and looking at me and mumbling something, yes, it was talking.

I stood up and was grateful that I had about 6 inches on the thing… never know when a giant rat’s going to get hostile on you. "I’m late" it said to me. "Quoi?" I asked, politely. The rat looked exasperated. "I’m late, don’t you understand, this is terrible, this is very bad, this is awful" He ran past me, scurrying as only a rat can. I didn’t even get a chance to say "late for what" but I figured it was the only thing going on right now, so I followed him/her/it. I had to start running to keep up with it, and was soon out of breath. Don’t you dare mention those cigarettes to me now. Just as I was coming to a stop, the rat disappeared into this hole in the ground. Without thinking I dove in after it, and landed, on my ass, again, on a dirt floor in the middle of an underground house. It was quite cozy really, painted furniture, blue and green, table, chairs, cabinets, bookcase, jar of Marmite, easy chair in the corner, but I had lost the rat.

I heard a door hinge squeak and went toward the sound, just as the door slammed, and I felt a rush of air. The rat had probably gone out the door. I opened the door, and stared out into a beautiful meadow – not too far from the one I’d just left, but I could tell this was different. It smelled different. It smelled like lilacs, and daffodils, and freshly baked cookies. The meadow was full of flowers, and there were a few cows and sheep wandering around. A cow picked up it’s head, looked at me and said in a very deep voice, "who are you?", and a sheep with a crew cut standing next to her looked at her and said "who is that?" and the small gray bunny that was hopping around got up on it’s hind legs and said "who is that person?" and all of a sudden, all the animals were all looking at me. I began having Orwell 1984 flashbacks, and started back inside the house.

"Come on you oaf, we’re late!" The rat appeared from nowhere and grabbed my hand, and started to pull me away. "Where are we going?" I asked, stumbling along after it. Apparently I pissed it off, because he just yanked my hand harder and said "Never mind that now, we’re late!" so I picked up my pace and ran along with it. I was just about to protest something about my lungs exploding, when we ended up in front a large house, not like the one I’d just been in, this was a modern house, long and wide, with a porch, and trees all around it. The rat stopped, smoothed down it’s fur, and turned to look at me. "Comb your fur, clean you face, straighten your clothing." It said to me. "I don’t have a comb" I said, straightening out my sweatshirt, looking down at my ratty jeans and sneakers. Wasn’t expecting an audience with the Queen" I said. "Oh this isn’t the Queen, the Queen wouldn’t live here, for Creezy sakes, she lives in The Palace near the river, this is the home of the Empress, the One." The rat was trembling as it spoke.

It grabbed the giant knocker shaped, of all things, like Elvis’ head, and knocked with the brass ring hanging from Elvis’ mouth. Major tacky, I thought. A woman came to the door, She was pretty, and had long curly hair, and a long gown, but was wearing what looked like a baseball mitt. She looked at the rat and she looked at me and she said, in a light sparkly voice, "Come in Myron, and bring your friend, whatever it is." She turned and we followed her down a long hallway, pictures of plants and trees on the wall, I looked at a few of them as we walked, and the things in the pictures seemed to, well, they seemed to move. I stopped looking at the pictures.

We ended up in a great hall, a huge wooden floor you could have roller skated on for hours, and an area near a floor to ceiling stained glass window that was curtained off. Something came flying across the room and the woman caught it neatly in her mitt. "Appetizer?" She asked us, as she offered the mitt up for inspection. There was a small cake in it, which the rat took and stuffed in his mouth before I could say a word. "Mmm, jam filled" the rat mumbled as he chewed. Something else came flying out from somewhere which the woman fielded nicely. "Something to drink?" she asked, and the rat grabbed a small bottle of something out of the mitt and started to suck it down. "Lovely" he said, and burped. "Hey I could use a bit of something too" I said to the rat, "not so quick on the uptake next time, will ya?" He pretended not to have heard me.

The floor began to shake, and the curtains began to open. The rat got down on his haunches, and pulled me down to my knees. "You must kneel before the One" he said. I was about to say "I kneel before no one" in a very Han Solo way, but he was too quick for me and I landed on my ass again. I was going to have a hell of a bruise. The curtains parted, and sitting on a huge purple velvet and gold throne, was the biggest tabby cat I’d ever seen, wearing a turquoise and red bowling shirt with the name "Hal" embroidered across it’s left pocket. She wore glasses, and had mostly black fur with a few streaks of gray in it. She looked very wise, for a cat. She had a computer on a stand positioned next to it. I had a split second thought of irony about a cat working on a computer with a mouse, but let it go without opening my sometimes too big mouth.

She spoke, "Myron, what is this you’ve brought me?".   She had a very peaceful, serene voice. "I have no idea my Empress, it followed me home, I would like to humbly request permission to bring it to the party" he said. The cat looked at me. "Come forward" she said, and the rat pushed me forward. I walked over to the cat, resisting a desire to pet her on the head. Wouldn’t want to knock off her glasses. The cat looked me up and down. She turned to it’s computer and typed a few things in with remarkably agile paws. She looked at the screen, and looked at me again. "Yes, I think that would be fine. We could use some entertainment." It said. "Uh, begging the cat’s…I mean…the Empress’ pardon ma’am…but I don’t really ‘entertain’. I can sing a few songs, but you really wouldn’t want me to do that." I said. She ignored me, and looked at Myron the rat. "I think it will be fine Myron". Was I invisible? I don’t get anything to eat or drink from the nice lady with the good arm, I don’t get any answers from the rat, and now I don’t get any respect from the cat with the glasses. What the fuck? "Look you guys…" I started to say, but just then a huge dog came out, wearing a butler’s uniform, and started ushering us out of the room. The lady in the gown waved at us, "see you later" she said as we got pushed out the door. The dog said "8 p.m. sharp, don’t be late now" as he gave us a final shove, but I was smart this time, I grabbed Elvis’ mouth so I wouldn’t fall on my butt again and I was still standing when the door slammed.

Myron said "Come on now, we’ve got to get you some party clothes" and he started to pull me and I said "Look Myron, I’ve been pulled, pushed, shoved and dragged enough for one day, I’ll just follow you along now" and he said "No I don’t have a leash for you, must take you" and he grabbed my hand again. His paw tickled. I sighed, "Oh alright, next time I end up in an alternate universe, I’ll remember to take my leash with me" and I let myself get dragged down the road, to a lopsided building that said "Haberdasher" on a sign across the top of the door.

We entered this shack, and I felt like it was going to collapse at any minute. It was filled with the oddest assortment of clothes, everything from feather boas and sequined tuxedo coats to old housecoats with ratty hems. Everywhere you looked was something different, all the way up to the ceiling, there were stack and stacks of materials, hats, buttons, lace and velvet. Being that I did love to shop, I was starting to enjoy myself for the first time that day. I heard a rustling noise, and then a man in a tuxedo appeared from behind a counter. I looked at him and then realized he had a bill, and feathers. OK, a penguin appeared from behind a counter. "Hey Myron, how’s it going man?" the penguin asked the rat. "Fine Dino, just fine…need a costume for my new pet…the Empress is allowing me to bring it to the party." He said. Dino the penguin looked me up and down, and said, "Hmmm, I have some new velvet collars with rhinestone studs that just came in, but it’ll have to get rid of those disgusting clothes, that will never do." "I know I know" said Myron.

"Hey wait a minute" I said, "I’m not going anywhere naked, in just a collar, what kind of party is this?" I’m thinking I had accidentally fallen into Larry Flynt’s house of horrors. Myron thought a minute and then said, "it’s right Dino, don’t want to frighten the guests." "Oh thanks" I said, not that anyone was listening. Dino was searching through some stacks, and pulled a suit out – black shiny plastic jacket and pants. "Try this on" he threw it at me. It had a sky blue t shirt with it, and I pulled it into a cubby and changed into it. There was no mirror. "Hey Dino, there’s no mirror." Dino appeared not to have heard me. I bet if some chicken walked in looking for a new outfit, there’d be a mirror. It seemed to fit.

Myron looked at me and said, "You know those shoes won’t do at all. "  "But the suit Myron, how does the suit look?" For the first time, he appeared to have heard me." It’ll do" he said. I sighed. No way I was ever going to get a straight answer from this zoo. Dino appeared with a pair of black shiny boots in his flippers and threw them at me. One of them hit me in the head. "Ow!" Of course I was ignored. I tried on the shoes and they fit. I felt like a walking curtain from an S&M palace. "And Myron your suit is ready", Dino handed him a package. Myron squealed with delight as he quickly donned a very handsome tweed waistcoat and bow tie. Well, I figured, could have been worse, could have ended up with that. At least now he had a pocket for his watch. "Put it on my account, will you Dino?" asked Myron, as he pulled me out the door, Dino nodded approval. I tried to wave goodbye at the penguin but was pulled outside too fast. "Myron wait a minute I have to get used to these shoes!" but he didn’t care, he just pulled me along, "Gonna be late, gonna be late" he kept saying. This is where I came in, I thought.

Part IV – The Arrival

We were standing in the road, and I was feeling incredibly stupid in my plastic clothing, when a large carriage pulled up, more of a stagecoach from a western movie really, with a mermaid driving it, drawn by four black horses. She had long black hair, red lips, long blue nails, and big brown eyes. And a helluva tail, shiny green scales. She was wearing some flimsy netting on top, but it covered what needed to be covered. She stopped the carriage in front of us and looked down at Myron. "You ready Myron?" she asked. Myron looked back up at her, the guy was gone. "Yes Laurel, I’m ready…got a new pet…see?" He pushed me toward the front of the carriage. She looked me up and down. Man I was getting sick of that. "Not bad, what did you pay for it? There was a sale on pets down at the Aqua Mall, but they all had gills. This is a nice one." Myron stared at her with big watery pink eyes, "It was free, just followed me home!" She appeared not to notice how much this rat was drooling over her. "Well that’s a good bargain then Myron, hop in, I’ve got to be back at the river by the time the party starts, I’m in charge of water sports and makeovers."

We climbed into the coach and were away. The ride was remarkably smooth for a horse driven carriage on a dirt road, and I looked out the window up toward the front, the horses seemed to be sort of, well, gliding down the road. I can’t explain it. You had to be there. "Laurel drives the best coach in the city, isn’t she beautiful?" he sighed. "Yeah she’s a looker" I said. "Oh if I were only a water rat instead of a house rat, she would be mine…" he fell into reverie, staring out the window.

We pulled up to a huge palace, glittering in the moonlight, as it had grown dark during our ride. I got out of the carriage and looked up at the sky, there were millions of stars, glowing and sparkling in the dark blue heavens, there were shooting comets flying across the sky, and an occasional BOOM as fireworks exploded into brilliant colors over the palace. Myron said "Alright can I trust you to be good? I can’t be dragging you all over the place and I didn’t get that leash." I looked down at him, "Yes, no problem Myron, I’ll be good." I was actually starting to get a bit fond of the little rat-man.

We walked up to the palace gate, there was a large walrus standing there, with great white sparkling tusks and a gray bristly mustache, wearing a mourning coat, very impressive. Myron pulled a large white envelope with silver glitter on it out of his waistcoat pocket and handed it to the walrus. "Good evening Lackey" he said to the walrus. "Good evening Mr. Myron…and this is your…guest?" He asked curiously, as he took the envelope and looked me up and down. Again. "This is my gift to the Queen." The rat said. "WHAT?" I asked. "No one said nothing about no gift, rat-boy! What the HELL is going on?" I exploded. The walrus loomed over me and I calmed down very quickly. Myron sighed and pulled my hand, "oh for heaven sakes come ON." He said as he dragged me toward the door. A tall, lithe woman with a very low cut gown stood at the front door, looking down at a list, and looked up at Myron, then looked back down to the list and checked something off her clipboard with a silver pen. "Good to see you sir, come right in." she said.

I was getting a bit nervous. I didn’t know if I wanted to spend the rest of my days as the Queen’s pet. I touched the woman at the door on the arm and said under my breathe "Please help me, I’ve got to get out of here" she looked up at me as if I were from Mars. "Behave yourself now, you’re in the palace!" and she looked away. I noticed she had a tattoo of a crown above her left breast. Was I going to have to get one of those?

I found myself standing at the foot of a huge spiral staircase in the front hallway, as we came into the palace. I looked around at the magnificent house. Marble floors, mirrored hallways, polished wood staircase with ivory railings, everything gleaming enough to hurt your eyes. Guests milling about in their finest clothing, velvet suits, silk stockings, shiny spiked heeled boots, satin gowns with pearl and lace trim, diamond and ruby necklaces, ebony cufflinks. I heard glasses clinking and footsteps, and the faint sounds of a string quartet in the background. Animals, people, small elfin creatures, fairy-like creatures flitting about, and they all seemed to be having a grand time. I felt a bit dowdy in my plastic suit, but I figured pets couldn’t be choosy. A dragon like thing in a black velvet suit came over, balancing a tray on his long green tail, and offered Myron a glass of something pink, which he took. I guess pets got a bowl of water in the kitchen or something. But I did manage to scarf down some strange looking appetizers when no one was looking. They tasted like cardboard. I was getting annoyed.

Myron walked into the room where the music was coming from, and I followed him. The room was open to the back yard, and I wandered over to the glass doors to look out. There was a splendid view of the river, and I could see Laurel, floating on a crystal raft, painting a lion’s face with mascara and rouge. I saw ducks, geese and swans, all dressed in their feathery finest, floating along. Must be wash and wear clothing, I thought. There were people and animals playing lawn games, croquet, with a badger as the ball, and a tea party on the lawn, with a man in an ill-fitting suit jumping up and down on the table, spilling the tea everywhere. Two tall trees off to one side were letting guests climb into their branches and were twanging them across the river at each other. I smiled to myself, it was all rather wonderful, in spite of my lowly status. Everyone was laughing.

The string quartet stopped what they were playing, and began to play a flourish, three trumpeter swans came in and began a processional, and everyone stopped what they were doing and rushed toward the great hallway. I got crushed in the melee, and pushed forward…there was no sign of Myron anywhere, for all I know he’d swum off with his mermaid toward points unknown. I was crushed between a large cheetah in a turban and a small elf in green pointy shoes and blue satin dress. Everyone was looking up the staircase, and I turned my head that way. A door opened at the top of the stairs, and the Queen began her descent. I had never seen anything so lovely. Wearing a long emerald green dress with a satin bodice and velvet skirt, stitched with sparkling rhinestones (or they could’ve been diamonds, she WAS the Queen) the dress shimmered and glittered with every step she took. She lifted her skirt a touch to walk down the stairs and I could see her matching green suede high heeled boots, with their pointy toes and spiked heels. "Damn" I though, " I could never walk in those things". I looked up at her face expecting the beauty that would befit this dress and stature.

I saw what was most definitely a man’s face, square chin, large head, short wavy blond hair, and the faintest hint of a 5 o’clock shadow. The deepest of blue eyes, a handsome face, but definitely a man’s face. It was lit up by sparkling blue eye shadow, false eyelashes and ruby red lipstick. If my day had taught me anything, it was not to expect anything to be as it was supposed to be, and I took it all in without so much as a gasp. Everyone was entranced by this person coming down the stairs, and I could not help but get caught up in the feeling myself.

The Queen stopped three stairs up from the bottom and surveyed her (his?) party guests. "Welcome, my friends" she (he?) said. The voice was masculine, but soft. I decided the Queen was a man in a dress, and I could swing with that. Everyone bowed, and I bowed along with them. A hand maiden appeared behind the Queen, carrying a pillow with a jewel encrusted crown on it. Everyone swept away to allow the Queen room to walk, and she walked into the great hall, where a throne had appeared, and she went to sit in it. The hand maiden, in blue double-breasted suit and fedora, with a hint of blond hair curling out underneath it walked up to the Queen and lovingly placed the crown on his head. She stood at the Queen’s right side, just behind her, waiting to fulfill any wish the Queen may have had.

The Queen settled in and people began to go back to their partying. The dragon appeared with a glass of the pink stuff for him, which he took and downed in one swig. "Not bad" I thought. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I must have been staring for a while, because the Queen became aware of it and looked right at me. God those blue eyes looked right through you. The hand maiden looked annoyed and spoke to me. "The Queen is not to be stared at, whatever you are! What do you belong to?" Myron appeared, seemingly from nowhere, and bowed low. "Your Highness, I have brought you a present on the occasion of your birthday party, I humbly hope you like it." And he pushed me forward. Damn I was getting sick of being pushed around, but I stood still before the gorgeous presence in front of me.

The Queen looked me up and down. Yeah, I know. He smiled, and spoke, "Myron, you have done well, but this is not a pet, this is a person, with a heart and a soul all her own. I thank you for your generous gift, but I could not keep a human as a pet. We haven’t done that in years."

Myron looked at me, I looked at him. "Well I’ll be damned. A person? You looked quite pet-like to me." He shook my hand. Was a nice change from being grabbed and dragged. I looked up at the Queen. "Thank you, your majesty. I’ve had a hell of a day."

"Come here girl, let me take a better look at you." I walked closer to his regal presence. The hand maiden was looking daggers into my eyes. I began to wonder if she was just a hand maiden. Nice suit though. The Queen held his hand out, and I took it, and kissed it, without thinking. It was soft, and my lips lingered there a little longer than they should have. "That’s enough!" said the hand maiden. The Queen looked back at her, and she quieted. Then he looked at me again. "I hope you enjoy my birthday party Miss" he said. I smiled. "Yes, I am enjoying myself Your Majesty. However, I was wondering how I might get back home at the end of the evening." I said. His eyes sparkled. "Are you sure you’d like to leave us? We could find a position for you here" he said with a hint of a grin. That hand maiden was gonna kill me with sticks.

"Thank you very much Majesty, but I’ve got to get home really, I have a fish to feed, television to watch, cars to drive, that sort of thing." He looked wise for a minute, and nodded. "Very well then, you shall have cake." He waved his hand in the direction of the dragon/waiter, and a silver plate appeared with a large piece of cake on it. I wondered if this was like a last meal type of ritual. Hoping it didn’t taste like cardboard, I took the plate and tried a bit of the cake. It tasted delicious, and I immediately began to feel a little woozy. They’d drugged the cake! This WAS Larry Flynt’s house of horrors! I was doomed!

The next thing I knew, I was lying in on a park bench, in my sweatshirt, jeans and sneakers, and a cop was standing over me. A cop that looked strangely like a walrus. "You alright young lady? You had a bit of a fall. Do you need an ambulance?" "Uh, no, don’t think so…thanks." I sat up slowly and looked around. Lake, park, right where I’d left it.

He said "Alright then, do you need an escort back to your house?" I stood up. "No, I’m ok, thanks" and I began to walk toward the entrance to the park. The day’s activities began to filter through my brain as I thought back on everything. I looked over at the geese and ducks hanging out by the side of the lake, expecting them to start talking, but they were just honking and quacking. I looked up at the sky and it was light blue and cloudy, not deep dark blue with exploding fireworks. A guy jogged by me, with blond hair, in a green sweat suit. I looked at him twice, he looked a bit familiar. I looked toward the parking lot and there were no mermaid-driven carriages, just cars. A rat scurried across the path, stopped in its tracks and looked up at me for a split second, before continuing on it’s way. Was it late? I wondered, as I started for home.

The End